I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
