i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
