Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How does one acquire holy water?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
