all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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