we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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