I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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