We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
