3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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