wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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