While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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