The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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