Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
