I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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