Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
