Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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