oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
