I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
