I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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