Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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