Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
