this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
