my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Girls should come with a carfax report
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
