I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
