I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
