Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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