Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
