i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
