CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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