at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
