i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
