My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
