I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
