nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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