Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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