I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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