he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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