I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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