No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Everyone says I win the strip club
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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