I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
