You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Couch. On fire.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
