My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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