There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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