Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
