im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
