They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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