you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
FUCK WHALES
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