while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
