stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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