Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
