I accidentally burped into my bong.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
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