do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
