I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
