I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
