he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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