now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
