mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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