WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
