i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
