i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
