And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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